How to Improve the Parenting Experience
Standing in my underwear, waiting for my massage therapist to knock on the door to ask if I was ready, I tried to explain to my father, over the phone (thankfully he wasn’t also there for a massage…weird), how to open my daughter’s stroller and connect the car seat; an almost impossible task. You’d think stroller designers would create something intuitive, but they haven’t. Both strollers and their designers are bitches (if your stroller is intuitive, don’t say anything. Let me rant).
This brings me to the point of this post: things I would like created or altered to improve the parenting experience.
Here is my list so far:
- Soothers that stay in the baby’s mouth. Seriously, if your baby likes the soother, it’s a life saver. I don’t care about bad habits, it calms my child (so hush, soother haters). And if you can’t design a soother that sticks, a humane face mask contraption that is both visually appealing and able to keep the soother dans la bouche would be appreciated.
- A laundry leprechaun. My daughter has blowouts about 2x per day (see next point). While the thought of a little green man (or woman) living in my laundry room is somewhat upsetting, the thought of having a laundry assistant is incredibly appealing. Extra bonus: an endless supply of Lucky Charms. Oh boy.
- Diapers that actually hold in the poop. What’s the deal Huggies? Have anything to say Pampers? No, that’s right, you just use images of cute, smiling babies and happy parents to sell your “absorbent” and environmentally unfriendly poop sacks. You trick us. You trick us, the unassuming (and sometimes stupid) new parent into thinking that your butt bags will be the be all and catch-all (pun intended). After three blowouts on the comforter, breast-feeding pillow and my pyjama pants (just this week) I now know that diapers rarely do what they purport to do. So please, diaper makers, make something that actually holds the poo in (and yes, she is wearing the right size for her age and yes, I know that reusable diapers hold the poo in better and that I have the power of choice…hush now, let me complain).
- Appropriately sized Diaper Genies. Honestly, changing that slim jim bag on an almost daily basis is a real drag (hush environmentalists, I know what you’re thinking; sorry, not sorry).
- A bath hammock. My child does not enjoy solo bathing so I hop into the tub with her. While this is a wonderful experience, my back is usually on the verge of splitting by the end of the 5 minute cleaning session (I have to hunch over to keep her at an appropriate level in the water in front of me). As I write this, I am realizing this probably exists and I just need to look on Amazon. And if it doesn’t exist, get on it baby supply people.
- An in-house baby esthetician leprechaun. Honestly clipping my daughter’s talons has to be one of the most stressful experiences since becoming a parent. Babies do not understand the importance of keeping their hands still and thus, the risk of clipping to close to the quick (how weird is it that this part of anatomy is informally called “the quick”?) is high. It seems I shall have a house of leprechauns. How wonderful.
- Crib sheets that aren’t a total witch’s you-know-what to put on. Changing the sheets on my daughter’s bed may be one of my least favourite tasks. You have to pick up the entire mattress, strain your back (the struggle is real), and sacrifice the skin on most of your fingers to accomplish the task. It’s the worst.
- A self-cleaning breast pump. Just like a self-cleaning stove, I would like a self-cleaning option on my milker. This is genius, feel free to steal this gem, breast-pump makers.
- Swing and chairs that do NOT require D batteries. Before you purchase a vibrating chair or swing (you will need this), check it has a plug-in option or ensure you have a healthy supply of large ass batteries.
What do you wish for? Share away.